Relationships inevitably create routines. Same house, same errands, same favorite restaurant, same shows. You know when they’ll be home, you go to bed at the same time, brush your teeth together, and kiss each other goodbye every day. That sense of comfort and predictability is one of the most rewarding parts of being in a relationship in the first place.
But as those routines become your everyday life, there are naturally fewer opportunities to discover new things about each other. Maybe you’re going to fewer social events or outings because you’d rather be snuggled up on the couch with your favorite person, or perhaps you’ve slowed down on some of your hobbies because spending time together sounds better.
While familiarity and comfort are nice, keeping some novelty in your relationship has value too. Occasionally doing something neither of you would normally do changes the dynamic because you’re learning together again, seeing how your partner reacts to something unfamiliar, and creating a memory that doesn’t blend into the previous twenty Tuesdays.
“New” doesn’t have to mean going on a big adventure, and it certainly doesn’t have to be expensive or dramatic. Even small changes to your usual routine can become opportunities to bond, whether that means trying a new recipe for dinner or simply putting a big puzzle out on the living room table and gradually working on it together. Introducing moments of novelty into your relationship gives you more opportunities to keep discovering each other, even within a life that has become comfortably familiar.
Growth doesn’t have to happen separately
Self-expansion theory, developed by relationship researchers Arthur and Elaine Aron and their colleagues, is the idea that people are naturally motivated to expand their sense of self by gaining new perspectives, capabilities, identities, and experiences. Close relationships can be an important source of that expansion because romantic partners often become intertwined with our own sense of who we are.
When you make the effort to pursue new experiences together, big or small, you’re growing not only as individuals but also as a couple. You find new things you enjoy together, discover hobbies you can bond over, or simply realize that you both like, or strongly dislike, something you had never tried before. Shared experiences can also open up new conversations about what you did and how each of you experienced it, so that when you’re sitting together at dinner, you have something new to talk about.
Couples assigned to exciting weekly activities reported greater marital satisfaction than couples assigned merely pleasant activities.
Research supports the benefits of shared experiences for relationship quality and satisfaction. Aron and his colleagues found greater immediate increases in relationship quality after couples completed novel and stimulating tasks together than after they completed more mundane tasks (Aron et al., 2000). This suggests that shared excitement may offer benefits beyond simply spending time together. In another experiment, couples assigned to complete exciting activities each week reported greater marital satisfaction than those assigned merely pleasant activities (Reissman et al., 1993), again suggesting that the type of activity matters.
A new setting can reveal a different side of your partner
When you spend most of your time with the same person, it’s easy to assume you already know how they’ll behave in any situation. A new setting disrupts that familiarity because you’re suddenly watching someone you know well respond to a context you haven’t seen them in before. Maybe they hold the door for a stranger, make someone feel included, stay calm when the plans go wrong, or make you laugh in new ways. You may already know that your partner is thoughtful, patient, or funny, but seeing those qualities in action again can remind you why you fell in love with them and bring some of those feelings back to the surface.
You might even discover something new about your partner that you love. They may be unexpectedly good at something, more adventurous than you thought, or interested in something neither of you had considered.
Sometimes it’s the routine, not the relationship
Routine is comforting, but it can sometimes create a sense of boredom that has very little to do with the relationship itself. Before you settled into life with your partner, you may have encountered new experiences more naturally because you weren’t spending as much of your free time at home together. That novelty may no longer happen unless you actively seek it out, which can leave you missing some of the stimulation, growth, and engagement you once experienced more often.
Couples who felt more bored seven years into their marriage tended to be less satisfied nine years later.
Aron and colleagues found that the connection between exciting shared activities and greater satisfaction was partly explained by lower relationship boredom (Aron et al., 2000). A study of 123 married couples found that those who felt more bored seven years into their marriage tended to be less satisfied nine years later, possibly because they also became less close over time (Tsapelas et al., 2009). Both of these studies suggest that making room for shared excitement may matter not only in the moment, but also for maintaining closeness over time.
Novelty doesn’t need to replace the comforting routines of a relationship, though. It can exist alongside them, adding occasional excitement to an otherwise familiar schedule. Skydiving every weekend probably isn’t the solution (for most), but neither is allowing every week to look exactly like the one before it and wondering why you’re bored.
Shared experiences create connection through participation, not just conversation
When you hear the word “connection,” you might immediately think of having a deep conversation, but that isn’t the only way couples connect on a deeper level. Shared activities give you something to experience and respond to together, creating memories that belong to both of you. Over time, those moments become inside jokes, favorite stories, familiar references, traditions, and shared interests that add to your connection.
The scale of the experience matters much less than whether it gives you an opportunity to experience something different together.
Building a shared history in this way strengthens your sense of “us.” You’re not just two people living alongside each other, but two people actively experiencing life together. The activity doesn’t have to lead to a deep conversation because connection can also come from being there, participating, and sharing the experience. These activities allow genuine interaction to happen naturally, creating more opportunities to bond at that deeper level than if you were simply doing the same thing separately.
“New things” don’t necessarily mean “big adventures”
Self-expanding experiences don't have to mean:
Go bungee jumping! Fly to Italy! Climb a mountain!
“New” is subjective. Some couples already spend their weekends rock climbing, while for others, that would be completely unheard of. An experience only needs to be new to your relationship, whether that means it’s unfamiliar to both of you or one of you is trying out something the other already enjoys. The activity should be novel enough to create interest without adding so much stress that one of you can’t enjoy it, since that would defeat the point.
It can be as simple as learning to make something, visiting somewhere in your own city that you’ve never been, listening to something outside your usual interests, trying a new cuisine, or changing an ordinary routine. The scale of the experience matters much less than whether it gives you an opportunity to experience something different together.
It’s also important to remember that an activity isn’t automatically beneficial for your relationship just because it’s new. A forced, stressful, or one-sided experience can miss the point entirely, and choosing something your partner finds boring probably isn’t going to create much connection. In one study, shared activities that felt satisfying, relatively stress-free, and closeness-building predicted better relationship quality. However, the benefits also depended on how dedicated and responsive both partners were during the activity and whether they genuinely wanted to participate (Girme et al., 2014).
Just because you want to try something doesn’t necessarily mean it will deepen your connection, especially if your partner isn’t genuinely interested in the experience.
Takeaway
Trying new things together doesn’t mean constantly chasing excitement or replacing the routines that make your relationship feel safe and comfortable. It’s about occasionally stepping outside the familiar so you can keep growing, creating memories, and discovering new sides of each other that TV nights at home won’t bring out. None of this requires overhauling your life. Sometimes it’s as simple as doing something different every once in a while, together.
Need inspiration?
Sometimes the barrier isn't wanting to do things together. It's deciding what to do, planning it, and actually following through.
That’s why we created Our First Year. Designed with newlyweds in mind but meaningful for couples at any stage, the deck includes a year’s worth of shared experiences intended to strengthen the friendship at the heart of your relationship. From memorable adventures to simple moments at home, we curated experiences we would genuinely want to try ourselves, with each one interesting enough to feel special and realistic enough to fit into everyday life.
Our First Year is expected to launch in October. Join our mailing list below to be the first to know when it’s available, and follow along on Instagram.